Mom

 This week has been (and continues to be) very difficult for my family.  On Friday I got a message on Facebook from my Sister-in-Law that I needed to call my brother.  So I called my little brother T.J. and he informed me that my mom had suffered a brain aneurysm and was waiting for a helicopter to fly her from Joplin, MO, where she had been flown to first, to a larger hospital in Springfield, MO where they would perform emergency surgery to try to save her life.  Unfortunately, there was nothing that could be done to help her and thus my mom passed away.

Many people know and love my mom for various reasons but don't know how difficult her life has been from the very beginning.  She was born into a loving family but unfortunately that would all change relatively quickly and at a very young age.  Her mother died when my mother was 8 yrs old from breast cancer.  Shortly after, her and her brother were abandoned by my grandfather and ended up being put in an orphanage where she was continually abused until her Aunt rescued them and raised them in her home.  Unfortunately a great deal of damage had been done to my mother at such a young age and it destroyed her sense of self-worth.

As she continued to grow, she would become involved in several abusive relationships which continued to do their damage both physically and emotionally.  Luckily she did find my father and the abuse stopped there.  They tried to have a happy marriage but sometimes things just don't work and were thus divorced 21yrs later.

She battled severe depression and was never the same woman after the divorce. My mom, having so little self-worth, continued to be involved in abusive relationships.  She often called herself ugly and fat and stupid.  None of which were true.  I am sorry to say this, but I am relived for her that the pain she endured in this life is over for her now.

Despite all of her trials she was an amazing person.  She had an enormous capacity to love.  She was often the "stand in mother" for the friends of her children.  I remember growing up a large number of our friends called her mom.  She loved her children and grandchildren unconditionally.

Unfortunately, mom and I were never really close.  At least not as close as she was with my other siblings (one of my many regrets).  But I never doubted her love for me.  She always made the effort to call just to see how I was doing.  She tried to protect me even when I was miles and miles away.  We had many disagreements throughout the years but her love never wavered.  I want to be that kind of mom.

She also had an amazing capacity to be forgiving.  She forgave others when (in my opinion) forgiveness wasn't warranted.  She forgave her father for his abandonment.  She would get mad at things but she wouldn't hold grudges and forgave no matter the person or the offense.  I want to be like that.

She was amazingly talented.  She was an amazing cook and could make something delicious out of very little.  I am so going to miss her homemade rolls and banana-split salad.  She loved music (especially southern gospel music) and had amazing faith in and love for Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  This is how I know she is happy now and resting.

My mom also had the most amazing sense of humor.  She knew how to laugh and be silly and loved embarrassing her children and her children's friends whenever she had a chance.   There were a few times when I got to return the favor of embarrassing her but they were few and far between. She loved to laugh and play and be silly and have fun.

She very rarely called me by my first name.  In my family I have always been known as Rie.  I will miss her southern accent calling me Rie.  I will miss her calling my by my first & middle name when I am in "trouble".  I will miss the sound of her voice.

I am sad that my children will never have a close relationship with their Grandma Joan.  She loved her grandchildren so much and even though we were far away and didn't get to visit often, she would always ask how the kids were doing and ask us to tell them she loved them.  I am especially sad that she will never get to met Easton.  She loved her grand babies.

I am grateful for my faith.  In the LDS church, we are continually taught that the gospel is centered around family.  I know that Heavenly Father has made it to where families can be together forever.  I have been reminded how fragile and short life is.  I know that even though it will take time, I will see my mom again.  I will be able to hug her and apologize for not being there for her when she needed me most.  I love you Mom and I miss you.